Dinner went ok, I wasn’t that crazy about the restaurant though.
I’ve been having the most intense cravings, and very specific, for the past few weeks. Mostly cold/creamy things (frozen fruit, yogurt, cool whip)…and baguettes. The ED part of my brain is getting really annoyed because I’ve been eating less vegetables and “not enough” protein (lot of rules around protein). In reality I’m 900% sure it’s not as bad as my head sees it, so I’m really trying to honor it and just eat what I’m craving. They’re just so intense though, for example with the baguettes I’ve gotten at least 5 in about two weeks, and even looking at sliced bread is just such a turn-off I can’t consider eating it at all. And with the cold creamy stuff, anything that’s warm is just so unappealing. I normally love my parfaits or obsessionally oatmeal but for the past week I’ve just had absolutely zero interest in consuming either of those things. Maybe because it’s getting warmer now..? That wouldn’t explain the bread part though, hmm. I don’t know. The human body is weird.
Sooo, even though I haven’t purged in awhile I’ve still been getting a lot of like, burning in the back of my throat. Which isn’t new at all but it’s just been bothering me because it…hasn’t gone away. It’s actually painful sometimes and goes up all through the back of my throat..And if I’m upside down or bending over every now and than a bit of bile will come up involuntary, and I know that’s normal for non-ED people too sometimes but it’s like…more often than should be normal? And the burning in my throat I know is from purging..
I’ve just been kind of freaked out lately because it’s a reminder of the damage done to my body and in my head any ED symptoms go away the second I don’t participate in the behaviors…It’s very scary to think of my ED as a long-term consequence. It also creates a greater pressure to not mess up with recovery.
Anyway that’s tonight’s ramblings I apologize for less posting, hope y’all are doing well
I made breakfast-for-dinner for my mom’s bday and it went really well! Chocolate/peanut butter pancakes and cake after. The back of my head is whining that I should’ve have more vegetables today but other than that, ED thoughts are pretty manageable today. And Saturday is prom (which I haven’t been to any of my school dances before so it’s kind of a social win also I have a date)
You don’t have to recover so you can hike far away mountains and explore other countries and take over the world. Those goals can be unrealistic and hard to imagine sometimes.
Recover so you can go to a grocery store without crying.
Recover so that you can eat the same meal as your family.
Recover so that friends don’t expect you to cancel plans.
Recover so that food is just food.
(and then take over the world)
Sooooo I know the whole frozen-banana-blended-to-“ice cream” thing has a rep for being disordered and “not real ice cream”, but I made some and it was actually super awesome delicious. Now don’t get me wrong I still like and eat real ice cream, but the frozen banana stuff is yummy too. They’d go quite good together actually. And you can put lots of “non-safe” toppings on it too. So yeah, I think I shall be making it more often ^-^
I have a good start now going on part 2 of my project for beauty expectations in the media. This piece focuses on men’s expectations over the past century. If you want to check out part 1 on woman go here :)